life goes one

It looks like a typo doesn’t it?

But from time to time, we get presented with certain truths. One of them being that while we become part of something larger than ourselves from time to time, that larger thing, it isn’t always aware of us. Sometimes that’s a good thing, sometimes not.

I tend to identify closely with what I do, and the people in my life are usually those who are part of the same organization. I’m proud of my friends, amazed at their commitment to the larger organization, (which is kind of a nested set of organizations and relationships) and its always a difficult day when you can’t do what they ask you to do. You feel like you’ve let them down, and, I guess I did.

Its not like they ask often, or for trivial things, they have good judgment, great judgment really. They can read a persons integrity in a few short sentences and know things about us we have a hard time learning ourselves. So its hard to let them down. The larger thing we are part of brought us together, and is kind of close (ok, not super close) to being a really good thing. It just needs the right mix of people at all of the right levels, who have a clear sense of purpose, and really, of integrity.

It seems hard to hold on to both of those things, purpose and integrity as one moves upwards in the nested layers of the organization, and today, one of those people who had managed to hold on at a pretty high level decided not to keep at it. We could tell something was in the wind, the person was relieved having made the decision and why not? Those jobs leading the nest are not really super rewarding in our bigger organization, and especially in our time when whittling, reallocating, and from time to time weaseling (such strong language!) resources from one nested layer to another is a way of life. Where is “one” to find satisfaction in such a time and place? Its not easy to answer.

I’m happy this person has been able to hold on to what they value through the trials and tribulations of daily life in a big nest. I’m happy they kind of know what to do next, which voice inside to hear clearly. But, that said, there will be a hole in the nest, in each of our nested layers as this “one” slowly moves out. I feel it already, maybe the quiet evenings allows for too much reflection. We shared similar values, similar commitment, but I always thought they were stronger, could work through the conflicting situations that we are presented with each day. It turns out everyone is human, and in many ways, thank goodness for that!

But back to my first point.

I think to act in one’s own best interest is unavoidably an act of separation. And its hard to act in one’s own interest for many of us. Some of us spent our lives trying to keep family, colleagues, everyone around us happy, and lose ourselves along the way. So I felt poorly when I didn’t jump up to volunteer to take a spot in the bigger nest today, and hope it won’t separate me too far from my friends.

We all make choices about our future. We have to, and its inevitable that we’ll disappoint some people in the process. But our friends while being disappointed will still accept us even after the we choose for ourselves…we all hope for that.

I’m getting a little or a lot lost here, but thanks to the head of our nest for years of looking after us at their own expense, thanks to those that take us in and accept us, and please know that no matter which voice inside you follow, there’s always a spot in the friends nest for you.

The whole nest metaphor needs some more elaboration one day. It just occurred to me that one can get pushed out of a nest, just as easily as one can leave the nest on their own…

I’m a bit more obscure than usual since recent events aren’t fully public yet, I’m hoping readers will recognize who to thank and who to forgive and let back in the nest.

Take Care of each other.

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