Archive for July, 2009

knowing what’s coming

Saturday, July 4th, 2009

I realized this week that generally, i plan ahead, on most everything. Trips, Classes, lectures, meals, even all the little things it takes to leave the house. I plan ahead.

That doesn’t make me any different than any of us I’d imagine. We all try to be ready, not many of us are comfortable “winging” big things in life. So we plan. Its true, i try to avoid some things, going to the dentist, emptying out boxes, going to recycling, and did i mention the dentist? I’m working on that one, honest and I’ll go but one thing that slows me down is that my body seems to remember the discomforts of the dentist. Not consciously, but as i dial the phone, or as the appointment date draws near, i feel the tension build and my body starts to remind me of whats coming. But really, the dentist appointment is something i can overcome in my head. I’ve been there before, I know what the process is, I’m getting to know the people there, and know its important to do for long term prevention….

So my body’s anticipation of the dentist is moderately easy to overcome. But in a few weeks I have to have a few hours of conversation that my body is telling me won’t be so easy to overcome. Back in October, I made a difficult decision, but one that I’m sure is for the best. I could tell it was for the best because I was actually feeling better, which is to say, actually feeling. The numbness I had been carrying around for ???? as some kind of armor to protect my feelings was gone. I felt a lightness, a freshness of vision, a hope for the future…I felt! Which is how I want the rest of life to go.

I don’t blame anyone for my armor. Its something a person builds up a little at a time I think. Many many thin layers, each formed after a scowl, a sneer, a few words, a walkout, each time I’m a contributor, each time, my body built a layer to make the next hurt, hurt a little less. But this armor is kind of insidious, it protects by numbing sensitivity, to people, to emotions, to life all around us. So I was really happy one day when I woke up, heard a bird sing and thought it was pretty nice. I began to realize the armor was gone.

But as these difficult conversations approach on the 13th and 15th, I’m finding the armor is back. I didn’t consciously put it on, but playing through the conversations, anticipating, researching, planning, it crept back on. Having lived without it for a few months I can tell you that when it returns it just feels heavy. Just now I realized that I can’t feel the few people I’ve developed a closeness, friendships with here. That the numbness of anticipation is cutting me off from the world.

While I’m not enjoying the feeling, because it makes your world smaller, I’m happy now, this night as I write to realize thats what’s going on. Maybe I can do something to keep some layers off, if not get rid of it all. I don’t know that its the most sensible thing to do, go to these conversations without armor, but I think I should.

How to get rid of it? Thats the next question. I’ve got no clue, but its time to go back to sleep.

Take care, hang your armor on the nightstand before you sleep. Leave it there as often as you can. I think life is much better without it.