Archive for January, 2012

missing you

Sunday, January 15th, 2012

The one who holds my heart has been away for a few days now, out of cell and text range and i find myself picking up the phone at the time we usually talk at the end of each day and then putting it down when I realize she won’t be there.

Our calls at the end of the day are mostly about the day, the things we did, the people we saw, what we think of all that, our online scrabble games and sometimes deeper topics. It puts me at ease to hear her talk about those things, something that helps me end the day and get ready to sleep, and without it i find myself reading Semper or the Times and not really getting to that state of ease she puts me in.

We’re together a few times a week, and i try to make sure i’m there, in mind as well as body which has not been so easy of late, too many distractions in closing out the details of my former life, sometimes we walk one of the four little dogs frequenting the backyard and we hold hands and talk and pull and talk and pull and…you get the picture, and its all very very relaxing. We sit and watch the sun go down, light a little fire and dream together too, which i can tell you is much better than dreaming alone, and we watch the stars rise in the sky while the dogs chase whatever they brought to us to throw.

Without all this, i feel myself missing. Missing her voice and the calm it brings me, missing the warmth of her hand, the smile in her eyes, and i realized that all those little things, which some people would say aren’t extraordinary, well, they make up part of me now, and when she’s not here, i’m missing those parts of who i am.

I busied myself with drawings, sculptures and preparations for classes, but its not the same life. As i sit here at the table the card she sent me before she left is at my hand, the roses we ate dinner over are in front of me, and the stove is warming the house, but it would’ve been so much warmer if she was here.

My daughters do something similar for me. They bring out a part of me thats not usually around, and when they’re gone, i’m missing that part of me and the energy they use to bring it out in me.

We all have people in our lives who make us more somehow. Parents, spouses, siblings, children, and when they go away, to camp, or school, or vacation, its good to take a moment and consider yourself. What part of you is not there when they are gone? I think thats what missing is.

This is one way I’ll tell the one who holds my heart how much i’ve missed her, and my daughters too. I’ll do more of course, but I think its the first time i’ve realized how much they make up in my life. That line from Jerry Maguire…”you complete me” seems a bit corny and overused maybe, but i think its really a life truth. When you let someone deep into you, they become a part of you, and when they’re gone, that part is missing.

Missing you!
With all my heart